Keliwilli

Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?

–So the ghosts don’t escape…duh

Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin?

–The skin is closer to our dark souls.  The sun simply weakens the skin so that soul shines through

Why can’t women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

–Umm, I don’t open my mouth to put it on…so the more intelligent women in the world can.

Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

–Probably because it doesn’t want to, or because it hasn’t reacted with air yet.

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

–Well, psychics are too busy giving advice on love to worry about money.

Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?

–That is like asking why is ass such a short word when it has so many uses.

Why is a boxing ring square?

–Because boxers are stupid and don’t go to school

Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?

–Uh, why do they call anything what they do?  To confuse you.

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

–Most likely it is because they don’t know what they are doing.

Why is it that snow falls but rain drops?

–Snow is much more graceful than rain and rather floats where as rain attacks

Why is it that when you are driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

–Most people can’t concentrate with music blaring, and when they are lost they need to concentrate

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

–Welcome to America, don’t taste the sap

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

– adding -er to the end of a word makes it a verb.  Such as banker, one who banks.  So he is one who brokes.  Therefore, he is going to make you broke, or make someone else broke, I.E. a company, because they have to pay you.  And paying for his services will likely drain you of all your finances.

Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

–Because people are illiterate, and who’s to say it isn’t the first hand?  What about clocks that don’t have a second hand? hmm?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

–People are either rushing home or to work, hence the name.

Why is the word dictionary in the dictionary?

–Incase you can’t spell it by looking at the title

Why isn’t there a special name for the tops of your feet?

–Like what? The back of your feet? Doesn’t make much sense does it

Why isn’t there a mouse-flavored cat food?

–Because we as humans don’t know what mouse tastes like.

Why can’t they make the whole plane out of the same substance that that little indestructible black box is?

–It is probably too heavy for aviation

Can fat people go skinny dipping?

–Of course they can you prejudice *beep*

Why do you need a driver’s license to buy liquor when you can’t drink and drive?

–Because drinking and driving is stupid and even if you were allowed too, if you did you would be the biggest idiot in the world.

Do witches run spell checkers?

–What does that even mean?

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

–It’s corporate america my friends. 

Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?

–As opposed to the nongraveyard shift?  Isn’t it all the graveyard shift? 

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

–Gross, why would they?

Can I yell “movie” in a crowded firehouse?

–What kind of sick *beep* are you?

If you work in a hospital, can you call in sick?

–Yeah, they don’t want you to make the patients sick, there are people in the hospital that are injured not sick, and when the patients are sick, they have weak immune systems…no point in trying to kill them…dumbasses 

Can you be a closet claustrophobic?

–If you want to die.

How do a fool and his money GET together?

–The same way you and these questions go together.  Poor planning.

How do you know when its time to tune your bagpipes?

–When they sound good.

Why do they call it a “TV set” when you only get one?

–They want to give the illusion that your money is being spent wisely. 

Why are all the home ec. teachers divorced?

–Mine wasn’t so what is this based off of?  Surely not proof.

Why do they call it a “bust” when it stops right before the part of the body you’d think it would have been named after?

–And what is the body part you would think it would be named after? Boobs?? Why couldn’t you just say that? Hmm…is it a scary word?  Is it?

Why do they call them “buildings” when they’re already done building them?

–Well, we can’t go around calling them builts now can we?

How is it that a building burns up as it burns down?

–Physics my friend.

If nothing ever sticks to Teflon, how do they make Teflon stick to the pan?

–Glue 

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

–That would make sense. hehe, heres to hoping someone drowns next olympics. 

If the pen is mightier than the sword, and a picture is worth a thousand words, how dangerous is a fax?

–Well, lets see we have a weapon stronger than swords and lots of words…hmm hateful words i assume.  Could start a war. 

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

–Yeah, its the law.

If you throw a cat out the car window, does it become kitty litter?

–Considering there is no sand or poop involved in the killing of a cat, i don’t think so. and last time i checked, road kill isn’t trash.

What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?

–I think they actually put bald. Or N/A

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

–Sap…mansap 

Why do banks charge you a “non-sufficient funds” fee on money they already know you don’t have?

–Because they are here to make money just like everyone else. 

Why do they put Braille on the drive through bank machines?  

–So you can close your eyes while making a transaction, or so the blind person in the back seat can get some cash.  Don’t be a fool.

Why do they sell cigarettes at the gas station if you can’t smoke there?

–Because they want to make money, and at the same time keep the other customers who don’t want to die from your habit. 

Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?

–So the humanity freaks don’t throw a fit.

If you get cheated by the Better Business Bureau, who do you complain to?

–Probably lawyers.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

–Well, you will still have a fourth of a life.  lose half, than half of the half you have left, means you still have a fourth of the original.

Why does a cowboy wear two spurs? If one side of the horse goes, so does the other.

–So that he matches, nobody likes looking lopsided.

What are Preparation A through Preparation G?

–Anti loser creams…try ‘em out some time.

After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?

–Why not? They don’t want to lose their lunch on the beach.

In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills?

–Corporate America, once again

Did
Washington flash a quarter when asked for ID?

–No, if he would have done that, it would have shown him as being born in whatever year the quarter was issued, so he could be shown as anywhere from 1 year old to 120 or so.

How come there aren’t B batteries?

–Because, that is an average boob size, we aren’t into average, especially in our batteries.

If the post office has machines that can sort snail mail by the thousands per minute, then why do they give it to a little old man on a bike to deliver?

–Because the machine just can’t shoot mail to peoples houses…do people think when they ask questions?

How do “Do not walk on the grass” signs get there?

–They get put there before the rule is established.  Question is how do the people get from the sign back to the side walk after setting it up?

Why do black olives come in cans and green olives come in jars?

–because both are nasty and they like to screw with your heads.

Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

–the farm.

How do I set my laser printer on stun?

–if you find out do you want to tell me? 

How is it possible to have a civil war? –Well, if you are lovingly killing each other, then its good right? right?

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

–heaven.

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

–because its cute! and being attracted to someone and loving them are two different elements needed in a relationship.

If the #2 pencil is so popular, why is it still #2?

–i don’t know, never head of a #1 pencil have you?  and its like the saying goes, 1st the worst, 2nd the best

If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?

–I’ve never heard of this antipasta, but if you set food in front of my I’m sure i could find a way to eat it.

Why is the alphabet in that order?  Is it because of that song?

–Well i’m assuming the song was made AFTER the order was developed, so no. And it’s the latins fault for the order.

If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?

–Haha, umm dry ice turns into smoke/air and is really nothing, gas like actually…so no.

Could crop circles be the work of a cereal killer?

–I wish!

Crime doesn’t pay…does that mean that my job is a crime?

–Well, if you have a job it pays so umm no.

Did Noah keep his bees in archives?

–LO frickin L.  Most likely.

How can there be self-help “groups?”

–There can’t people are dumb.  IF you are doing it yourself you don’t need a group. kind of defeats the purpose.

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

–Years of deer practice at deer school

How do you know that honesty is the best policy until you have tried some of the others?

–Well, you can see from other people’s experiences that the others are not the best and cause more problems.

How do you throw away a garbage can?

–put it in a grabage dumpster

How does a thermos know if the drink should be hot or cold?

–it has extra-special sensers

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

–he walks outside and hops in the plow.  most likely the plow is parked at his house for convenience.

Do you realize how many holes there could be if people would just take the time to take the dirt out of them?

–Um, no…why would I? why would i want a bunch of holes?

If Superman is so smart, then why does he wear his underpants on the outside of his trousers?

–because he’s a homo. no one said he was smart, they said he was strong.

If you’re in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?

–Well, you might get a congratulations for turning the lights on.

What happens to an 18 hour bra after 18 hours?

–It falls off…yep.  So guys if you struggle with bras, wait till the 18 hours is up

Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

–because noah was near sighted and couldn’t see them.

Why do we kill people for killing people to show that killing people is wrong?

–because i told them to kill people.  its my way of saying, screw you world.

Why is it that bullets ricochet off of Superman’s chest, but he ducks when the gun is thrown at him?

–he has a bullet proof chest, but not a gun proof head

What if the Hokey Pokey IS what its all about?

–then there needs to be a lot more dancing and shaking.

What happened to the first 6 “ups?”

–I ate them.

What is the speed of dark?

–sloooooooooow

When you’re sending someone Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?

–Plastic, a babys best friend.

How come you never hear about gruntled employees?

–you do, its called blue collar work.

What is a “free” gift? Aren’t all gifts free?  

–One that requires no obligation, like friendship or love, or sex.

What’s another word for synonym?

–your mom is a whore.

When sign makers go on strike, what is written on their picket signs?

–They wouldn’t have picket signs, they would use their voices.

Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all”?

–the city.

Why do we play in recitals and recite in plays?

–Its a backwards world.

Why isn’t phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

–why is bag pronounced the wrong way in utah?

If knees were backwards, what would chairs look like?

–Would we need chairs? would we sit on our privates rather than our asses?

If an orange is orange, why isn’t a lime called a green or a lemon called a yellow?

–Because that is just silly talk.  Things making sense based on other things…psh.

Why do noses run, and feet smell?

–Again, its a backwards world.

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

–babies…didn’t you already answer the question?  What do you think happens with all the abortioned babies?

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

–nope, its already called that, like when it is slow, people get fed up.

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do . . . write to these men? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they are out walking around delivering the mail?

–Yes, that is exactly what you are supposed to do.  This is by far my favorite question. well done!

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